I know I love you.
I know you know it too,
but is it fair for us to hold on to what we once knew?
To continue writing a story that is undoubtedly hopeless?
To drive each other toward an improbable future?
For once I want you to tell me:
do we have any reason to stay?
Is there anything left to keep us here?
I believe we just have a lot to let go.
I know you love me,
but do you really love me?
Do you love me for how I think?
How I speak?
Do you care to know the depths of me
or just what’s on the surface?
I know what I want.
I want you to love me for how my mind works,
for how the gears turn and thoughts become art.
I want to spend time with your mind
and not just your body,
and I want you to want the same from me.
I know I love you,
but I am in a haze of knowing whether you love me
and I’m drowning.
Not knowing your intention is bane.
So do I go mad as Ophelia,
so be it,
for it would only be fitting.
Then, maybe, you would go bewildered
and play the part as Hamlet,
then I would know you whether meant it.
So I’ll submerge myself into you
or maybe into the depths of my loving you
and divide myself from my fair judgement.
I’ll forget there’s a way out.
Simply forget that I knew how to swim
and allow my body to linger in a pool of cool blue.
I’d love for life to be in black and white,
and for it to be easy,
and for us to know what we want,
and to be sure of it one hundred percent.
I’d like for a lot of things to be different than what they are.
But we’re all too busy worrying about what other people think
and how they will judge the decisions we make.
Who knows if we’ll ever know what we want,
but we’re doing our best to figure it out, despite the world.
I admit that I worry what people will say,
I feel like I don’t fit in,
but I won’t give up trying to identify myself,
and I won’t give in to what society wants
because I am not black and white
and there is so much more that I hope to be.
We are so much more than just black and white
and what we are told we have to be.
We’re all individually unique
and we are each full of so much color,
and I am so tired of watching this world try to shape us into the same person
and change our colors to fit its palette filled with the same generic ones,
and try to tell us who we are supposed to be,
and tell us we can’t succeed unless we blend in.
So don’t let society shape you into something you don’t want to be,
don’t let it mask the colors inside you that want to reveal.
Be who you want to be.
Flourish, learn, grow, and love your life,
and along the way take pictures,
make memories and live stories worth re-telling.
Do all the things you’re scared to do,
the things that make good stories,
go out on a limb, try something new,
and don’t be sorry.
I’ll love you like no other.
I’ll take a long time getting ready just to hear you nag,
I’ll make you ride in the car with me so I’m not alone,
and I’ll make you listen to my obscure music
and play it until you know every word by heart.
I’ll beg you to take me out for ice cream
and make you get me doughnuts in the morning,
then be a pain to wake up when you get back.
I’ll list a ton of places for us to travel to,
I’ll hold your hand despite the sweatiness of it,
and turn the heat on high even though you like it cold.
I’ll complain about how the yellow starbursts are underappreciated,
and convince you to let me do your makeup,
I’ll annoy the hell out of you
just for the fun of it and because I know I can.
I’ll ignore you so you’ll apologize first,
but then give in because I can’t stand not talking to you.
I’ll drag you out of bed at one o’clock in the morning to cook eggs
and make you dance around the kitchen with me
even though you’d rather be in bed,
wrapped in blankets, sleeping soundly.
But I’ll also tell you this much:
I’ll love you like no other.
I’ll wake up early without being asked
just so I can make you breakfast.
I’ll rub your back because you deserve it
and run my fingers through your hair until you fall asleep.
I’ll admire you when you aren’t watching
and deny it when I’m caught.
I’ll surprise you with little things
like coffee, lunch, or those you suggest
just to let you know I listen.
I’ll spontaneously adventure with you until we run out of places to go.
I’ll put aside my wants for your needs
and worry about whether or not you’re safe when I’m not with you.
I’ll cross oceans for you
so you never have to wonder how much I love you.
I’ll never promise not to be difficult,
not to drive you crazy, but
I’ll love you unconditionally,
and I’ll love you like no other.
I knew you had to go,
but it didn’t feel time,
so I sat quietly and watched you leave.
Words couldn’t make you stay,
words couldn’t make you return.
So in the silence I waited
for a change that was far-flung.
Days grew grey.
And I was okay with that.
It grew to be my favorite color.
I dressed in grey,
as I lived in grey.
It was comforting,
but that was because I could choose it.
Grey became a lifestyle,
no longer a choice,
but an actual way of life.
I became grey.
So I changed my name to Grey to suit me.
The color surrounded me like a storm,
fierce, yet calming.
The world closed in,
soon be, nothing but my loneliness.
I lied in a world that had lied to me
and let it take me as it came.
“It’s fine.” And it is.
But I all became weak,
with my soul a burst of color.
I wish to dance as they in the sky,
the thin air ringing to keep them alive.
Their fable is beauty, so chilled and up high,
as are the heavens in which they all thrive.
They leave behind a wonderland fleece,
which leaves me in tears whenever it cease.
By and by, admire do I,
for the rhythm’s a sight that captivates eyes.
Waving goodbye they dance through the night,
hidden by darkness, but never gone quite.
Until tomorrow I’ll dream of their dance,
where maybe we’ll both fade into expanse.
~ xo abigail
Photo by my adorable friend, Anna Jones
His laughter brings me joy,
which no else can retrieve.
He smiles, then, his eyes so bright,
they’re all that I can see.
It used to come and stay awhile,
but now becoming less,
but when it comes,
I prefer it above the rest.
~ xo abigail
Photo by my brother, Parker Richardson